Category Archives: Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History

Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History 1986: John Getz in The Fly

John Getz The Fly 1986

What kind of a character name is Stathis Borans? The name of an asshole that’s what. Granted Stathis comes good at the end of the movie, only to get his hand and foot dissolved via Brundelfly vomit, but still, he has less redeeming features than the British TV celebrity pedophile ring. And this beard should have been a warning to us all. Just look at it.., as smug as it is pruned. Not a hair out of place. Granted it is great, but at what cost? The cost of Geena Davis womb that’s what. Just look at him, standing there smiling, holding a Brundel-ape as if he could do no wrong. I’ve got my eye on you Getz ,or Bornas, or whatever the shit-dick your name is. I see you and I raise you Goldblum in Jurassic Park. Yeah, that’s right.., where were you in 1993? Not on Isla Nublar that’s for sure. You’re beard is great sir, but it is a slur on the man community. Good day.

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Great Moustaches & Beards In Horror History 1964: Yoshifumi Tajima in Mothra vs Godzilla

Yoshifumi Tajima Mothra Godzilla

Now I’m no fancy-pants World War II historian, but I know a Hitler ‘tache when I see one.., and this sir is a Hitler tache. To be fair to Mr Tajima (or Mr Tajima Sir as an 80s movie would call him) the Hitler moustache is an actual facial hair style known as The Toothbrush Moustache – although butthole moustache would be a better term as I wouldn’t attack my oral hygiene with that upper-lip turd. The Toothbrush Moustache isn’t exclusive to everyone’s least favourite homicidal Nazi maniac, it was of course sported by Charlie Chaplin, Michael Jordan (yes at one time he fashioned one), Robert Mugabe (another wanker), select hipsters, and any eleven year-old with a black comb. In this case Mr Tajima struts around the place all full of himself because he’s captured Mothra’s egg; little does he know, Godzilla has no time for Tootbrush Moustache’s and is about to get all atomic breath up in this beatch. Saying that old Mr Tajima Sir does put in a scenery chewing performance of epic proportions as he gurns his way through the movie with gusto. So let us remember Mr Tajima Sir, not for his Nazi sympathising face fashion, but rather a bumbling buffoon with a half-hearted dirty sanchez.

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Great Moustaches and Beards in Horror History 1979: Robert Foxworth in Prophecy

Robert Foxworth Prophecy

Dr Rob (Foxworth) is on the hunt for environmental pollutants which he fears are causing mutations on a grand scale amongst the animals of Maine. Look deep into those greys, browns, and blondes within that beard tapestry. What are the filmmakers trying to tell us? Clearly the grey is the wisdom of years at University, job and tax dodging. The brown is the masculinity to wrestle a mutated bear-pig in the wilds of New England. The blonde is the kind of sexual man musk that makes women’s panties slip themselves off. Tie all of that into a crop of blonde head curls that Adonis himself would sweep-up off the barber-shop floor to glue unto his undeserving scalp. Dr Rob; smarter than you, stronger than you, and having sex with your wife and sister right now. All because of a three tone Neapolitan beard that today is a designated campus in its own right with an all female faculty and student body numbering 50,000. Majors at The University of Dr Rob’s Beard (or UDRB) include Beach Volleyball, Locker-room Leg Oiling, and Woodland Promiscuity.

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Great Moustaches and Beards in Horror History, 2012: Rotund Spanish Waiter Guy in [REC]3

Waiter in REC 3

Channeling every bumbling Mexican and Spanish worker from the history of Hollywood hired help, [REC]3s wedding day waiter is all that and a touch of Don Quixote as he heroically dodges zombies dressed head-to-toe in chainmail and 17th century body armour. Whilst this heroic dash of epic proportions is all too brief (not even rewarded with an on-screen death) this rotund stereotype superstar is reason enough to watch the movie. Of course no fat latino stereotype is complete without the classic slug moustache (or perhaps fat tequila worm would be a better metaphor), a moustache that says “I’m overweight, middle aged, working class, speak broken hilarious English, and am most definitely here to help (and die helping)“. Imagine the mighty moustache’s of Fawlty Towers’ Manuel, Cheech Marin, and every Mexican on South Park combined in one glorious latino top-lip hair piece running from crazed zombies in knight’s armour and tell me that this isn’t a wonder of genre cinema.

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Great Beards and Moustaches in Horror History: 1977

Mimmo Crao in ‘Yeti, Giant of 21st Century’ (1977)

Yeti Giant of the 21st Century 1977

Cashing in on the late 70s resurgence in giant ape movies comes this Italian produced effort whereby Mimmo Crao looks more like Mimmo Craoa rejected 80s wrestling gimmick than any kind of monstrous beast. But as far as man-in-suit-monsters go Crao surly has the finest beard and bouffant hair combo of them all. He may struggle to convincingly convey gigantism but I’m sold that this hairy man-god could lay down one hell of a stadium rock bass solo. And before you scoff at this follicle achievement with wig based heckles, consider that, in his spare time, Mimmo cultivated one hell of a Italian beard just for giggles (see left). Mamma Mia that’s’a spicy meat-beard. While the clean shaven Godzilla’s of the world trample our great cities, it takes a real man to roam the Canadian wilderness in nothing but the pubes on his crotch and hair on his face. Here’s to you Mimmo, may your mighty beard and saggy ape tits live forever in the high corridors of cinema history.

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Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History: 2004

Michael Kelly as CJ in Dawn of the Dead (remake -2004)

CJ undergoes quite the transformation in Zack Snyder’s rip-roaring-kick-up-the-ass Z movie. From power hungry mall security douchebag to heroic self sacrifice, CJ traverses quite the apocalyptic personality gamut. It’s a journey he doesn’t undertake alone, no friends, he is supported every step of the way by a handle-bar moustache that even the most seasoned Hells Angle would struggle to tame. This thick black joist of a moustache is rumoured to be flame retardant up to 1,000 degrees celsius.., Fact. Born at the beginning of the end of the world it is facial hair worthy of the Messiah himself; and whilst CJ may not make it to the end of the movie, it is without question that his reanimated corpse, lead face first by this upper-lip gargantuan, would go on to be the king of the dead.

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Great Moustaches & Beards In Horror History: 2001

Ian Richardson as Sir charles warren in ‘From Hell’ (2001)

The term ‘lamb chops‘ is thrown around a lot theses days. For the follicley challenged,  lamb chops refer to a mighty pair of sideburns; sideburns so big and weighty that they fall under the meat and poultry category when border crossing. British thespian Ian Richardson CBE sports a colossal pair of lamb chops in 2001’s Jack the Ripper yarn From Hell. The chops themselves are so magnificently gargantuan that a supporting beam is necessary in the form of a girder-like moustache. It’s as if Richardson grew a huge Santa-esque white beard and got in a fist fight with Wolverine who’s Adamantium  claws barely managed to make a dent on the chin area.

Richardson was famous in the UK for playing a fictional British politician in the BBCs House of Cards. On the evidence of this beard, had he actually been in politics his facial hair would surly have supported the entire Euro Zone financial crisis.

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Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History: 1932

Charles Laughton in ‘The Island of Lost Souls’

What’s not to like about this Musketeer Aramis/Hitler combo? Attached to the Hitchcock-esque rotund face of British thespian Charles Laughton, this moustache come R&B goatee is as licentiously eccentric as Laughton’s performance of H.G. Well’s infamous Dr Mareau. Just look at that petite chin-strap holding up Laughton’s bottom lip like a hairy goblet, balanced lovingly by a top-lip-hat that suggests both the wisdom of Hercule Poirot and lurking terror of senor Adolf. Only a moustache and beard combo such as this could drive a man to successfully combine animal and human DNA to create an army of man-beasts. One suspects that this facial hair itself may once have roamed the great Savannah in search of prey. As the chants of “what is the law?” echo from the man-beast’s village and over the treetops of the Island of Dr Moreau, surly the only sane response is “this.., this moustache beard combo.., this is the law“.

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Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History: 1976 (Again!)

Jeff Bridges and beard in King Kong

There was something in the water in 1976, and that something was clearly a liberal Hollywood toxin aimed at generating communist face hair (I imagine their plan to be executed much like Ra’s Al Ghul’s water vaporising scheme in Batman Begins). But one look at hippy dream-boat Jeff Bridges will have even the most staunch Republican melting into his white rhino-skin shoes. Gaze on in awe as Bridges produces a massive volume of beard and long flowing locks, the likes we wouldn’t see again until 1998s The Big Lebowski. It’s little wonder that young sexy starlet Jessica Lange fell deep into those longing blue eyes, like two lakes in a clearing of soft skin, surrounded by the beardy forrest of Bridgeville. Some say it was beauty killed the beast, others say that Kong threw himself off that building in shame; after realising that Jeff Bridges had better face hair than he. But that dear reader is a secret we will never know.

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Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History: 1976

Peter Ustinov in Logan’s Run

Yeah, yeah Logan’s Run isn’t a horror movie. Fine. Moving on. Perhaps this is better suited as a celebration of all Pete Ustinov’s great movie beards sported throughout his illustrious career. But you’ve got to love this one in particular, not only for it’s mad bushiness, but because it’s perfectly complicated by a bunch of feral cats. As the last man alive in Washington DC, billed simply as ‘Old Man’, Ustinov plays above age aided by god-like face foliage and enough cats to rival Eleanor Abernathy the Crazy Cat Lady. He sure does like cats. His beard may indeed be a deceased cat, a rumour I can’t confirm. In the fictional world of Logan’s Run humans outlast their usefulness at age 30 and are disposed of accordingly, that is until the world of clean shaven, pasty faced, 29 somethings lay their youthful peepers on Peter Ustinov’s mighty beard and realise both the folly of youth and shaving. Hurrah!

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Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History: 1974

British actor Nigel Davenport is a legend of TV and film, delivering bearded, moustachio’d, and even clean shaven performances in movies like Play Dirty (1969), The Island of Dr Moreau (1977), Zulu Dawn (1979), Chariots of Fire (1981), and Nighthawks (1981 – another great beard movie with Stallone sporting an epic pitch black face rug) to name but a few. But if you’re looking for Nigel at his bat-shit eccentric best, then look no further than Phase IV (1974). The movie itself is far more of a character study than it is traditional creature feature (think of 2006’s Bug if you need a comparison) which allows Nigel to deliver a performance of British grandiose, matched only by a commanding, colonial-esque beard which alone – if the screen writers had known their beards – should have been enough to defeat any pissed-off ants hopped up on solar flairs, or some such sci-fi guff. Nigel plays Dr Ernest D Hubbs, a British scientist who isolates himself (and poor old assistant James) in the middle of the desert, in some kind of metal igloo, in order to wage a personal war no the local ant population. It’s brains against brains as isolation, desert heat, and ant bites make Nigel and his beard get progressively more insane. Dr Nige becomes increasingly consumed with wanting to prove to ants (who haven’t mutated in size by the way, they are still just ants, with some sort of space intelligence) that man is the superior being. It’s actually ridiculous, and only a beard of such greying gravitas could successfully convey this utter madness. Here’s to you good sir, and the man attached to you too.

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Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History: 1981 (Valentine’s Day Special)

Keith Knight (above, right). What a man. What a man’s man. Just look at his resume for a second if you will (and you will). The man boasts roles in classic movies such as Meatballs (1979) and Of Unknown Origin (1983), classic TV shows such as The Littlest Hobo, The Twilight Zone, Robocop, and The Never Ending Story, and voice characterisation for shows like The Care Bears, Babar, Beetlejuice, Rupert, and The Adventures of Tintin. Now I know what the smart folk amongst you are saying: “Steady on there Deadly Movies. This Keith Knight is man enough, we don’t need to hear about some beard or moustache to realise that“. I know my friends, and I agree. But consider the lady folk out there, they crave real men like Keith, and therein we must persist. Now as It’s almost Valentine’s Day we’re here to talk about Keith’s role as Hollis in 1981’s classic Canadian slasher My Bloody Valentine. And just look at what he’s sporting on his upper lip, a moustache that men wish they had and ladies wish they could have at (and vice versa of course). Channeling moustache curls that would make the likes of Salvador Dahi and Rollie Fingers proud, Keith’s Valentine’s Day moustache is worth a thousand roses or boxes of chocolates. Here’s to you Keith and your irresistible hairy lip love slug.

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Great Moustaches & Beards in Horror History: 1977

Luke Halpin and Moustache are ‘Keith’ in SHOCK WAVES (1977)

Luke Halpin was once a smooth, baby-faced, teenage dreamboat. His satin-like face scrawled across countless teen magazines during the 1960s. Halpin was best known for his role as Sandy Ricks (a name almost as smooth as his goose-fat-like smooth face) in the ‘Flipper‘ movies and TV shows. But when Haplin had had his fill of teenage girls (not sure about the wording there) he moved onto to bigger, scarier, and hairier things. With new found man testosterone coursing through his veins, Halpin turned his hand to more adult movies including the fabulous 1977 Nazi-Zombie schlocker ‘Shock Waves‘. As the manly named Keith, Haplin grew an equally manly and notably noble moustache (equalled only by his flowing Greek-god-locks). Haplin’s moustache commands the screen and the respect of both Nazi-Zombies and 70’s hottie Brooke Adams. It’s moustaches like this that won the war.

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