Top 10 Asshole Santas from Film and TV.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho, Merry Shitmas (is what any of these uncouth vagabonds would likely say)


The jolly fat man and all round good samaritan, Santa Claus, has been the icon of goodwill (and Coca-Cola) for generations of children (and soda junkies). Personally I love Santa and won’t have a bad word said about him. However to every yin there is an inevitable yang. So here’s a look at Deadly Movies’ Top 10 Santa A-holes, the type of guys who come in through your downstairs window or shit down your chimney..,
10. Harry Santa in Christmas Evil (1980).
Harry has a serious Santa Clause complex, one that’s slowly escalating into a glorious breakdown. Of course Harry starts to believe that he is Santa. Naturally this seasonal psychosis leads to some serial slaughter around Harry’s neighbourhood. In true Santa style, this guys takes it upon himself to replace children’s toys from under the tree with his own home-made murder-gifts, aaaaaand kill their parents while they sleep. This asshole actually glues a beard to his face, what a nincompoop.
9. Billy Chapman Santa in Silent Night, Deadly Night 1984: “Punishment is necessary, punishment is good“, or so says Billy Chapman. Billy has some serious Santa-come-sex-come-religious issues, and the only way to realise his inner demons is to punish the naughty with an axe. In later years, keeping it in the family, Billy’s younger brother Ricky would take up the killer Santa mantle in parts 2 and 3 of the 5 movie franchise (In Part 3 Ricky is played by horror journeyman Bill Moseley!). Billy’s a bit of a petchulant drip (just look at him), but an axe-wielding A-hole none the less.
To all a goodnight santa 1980
8. Killer Santas in To All A Goodnight 1980: This beats out the other 1980 slasher Santas simply because it was the first, so kudos for being ahead of the curve. There’s not much to say about the killer Santas in this, mainly because it’s such a run-of-the-mill Friday the 13th type affair. There’s no flying reindeer for this murderous pair, but one of the Santas does murderise a teen with an aeroplane propeller which is pretty cool.
7. Robot Santa in Xmas Story, Futurama, season 2, 1999: Altogether now.., “Santa Claus is gunning you down“. The malfunctioning killer robot has very high standards when it comes to his naughty list. Like Billy and Ricky Chapman, if Robot Santa finds you guilty of being naughty it’s time for some murderising. Voiced by the awesome John Goodman, this Santa has done away with 80’s stabbing weapons in favour of an old fashioned Tommy Gun. As a robot he probably doesn’t have an asshole, but gun crime on Christmas Eve makes for a pretty big A-hole.
6. Santa in Santa’s Slay 2004: Wrestlers turned actors are not necessarily what you look for in your (good) horror films (See No Evil? Dog shit). However former WCW and WWE icon Bill Goldberg produces a surprisingly good comic turn in this equally surprising good horror-comedy. Props to this A-hole Santa for decapitating a statue of Jesus, breaking a carol singers back, leaving presents that blow children’s head’s clean off , and killing strippers with fire breathing molten balls. Plus the opening scene where Santa murderises none other than James Caan is genius. This Santa even has a back story which includes the sport of Hurling and a very close family tie to Satan. Love it. Giant A-hole.

5. Saint Nicholas in Sint 2010: Many European cultures have dark versions of Santa Claus or St Nick which provide great fairytale backdrops for festive horror. In this Dutch offering St Nicolas, a disgraced murderous, raping, thieving Bishop (nice guy this Santa) comes back from the grave every December 5th, IF there’s a full moon (fucking specific this guy), to kill children. Nick and his horse may be a big blurry CGI mess at times, but killing kids while riding on rooftops during the Holidays is pretty badass, and definitely makes you a major asshole.
American dad Santa Claus
4. Santa in For Whom The Sleigh Bell Tolls, American Dad, season 6 episode 8: With an arsenal and army (of elves) big enough to spark envy in a small rogue country, this particular Santa (voiced awesomely by Matt McKenna) is less the jolly fat man, and more a rampaging Gaddafi of the yuletide.
3. Louis Whinthrope III (‘Trading Places’ 1983): Dan Aykroyd attempting to shove smoked salmon into his mouth through his dirty, fake Santa beard is one of my treasured movie memories. Poor Louise is apprehended gate-crashing a Christmas party whilst brandishing a gun and in possession of narcotics. His fantastically insane escape features him wildly wielding his pistol at the stale,crusty gentry and making off with a few choice cuts of the finest salmon. Absolutely wonderful stuff. Top notch A-hole Santa from the legend Aykroyd.
2. Willie in Bad Santa 2003: The more you watch this film the darker it gets. Take away the fact that it truly is testicular bustingly funny, and your left with a story about an alcoholic anal-sex addict who robs malls on Christmas Eve, brutally assaults teenagers, and uses what must be a movie record amount of profanity in front of children. Billy Bob Thornton at his comedic deadpan peak, an absolutely amazing performance, one of the biggest Santa Assholes who’s piss covered lap you could ever have the pleasure over sitting on.

1. Santa in Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale 2010. In fact you can lump all the Santa’s from all the Rare Exports movies in here (feature and shorts) as they’re the brandy atop Deadly Movies grizzly Christmas Pudding. What a joy it is to see gnarled, bearded, Finnish Mr Burns type-geriatric-naked men walking around the tundras of Finland killing and maiming. Peeter Jakobi’s joyfully dark turn as Santa is a real treat, portraying the kind of old man your more likely to see at the school gates with a bag of candy than gracing the isles of Macy’s.
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