In terms of what we get to see in the theatre, this list is easier to write than the best of 2013. So without further adieu let’s look at what brown nuggets can be found in horror’s public toilet bowl this year:
The Devil Inside: A huge box office hit at the beginning of the year for yet another terrible movie about exorcism and pseudo religious bullshit. Awful plotting, pacing, dialogue, acting, and irritating first person camera technique, combine to give you a shit-smoothie.
Mama: So promising. A great first half deteriorates faster than Jessica Chastain’s ginger star’s a’rising. What began as an interesting creepy fairytale of feral children becomes nothing more than another haunted house story with a crappy CGI finale. Mama Mia.
World War Z: Less a movie and more an anthology of expensive set-pieces. There’s really nothing of any narrative scope here whatsoever. A complete mess of a movie.
Warm Bodies: You know that the studios have milked a cash-cow until its teats are nothing more than four saggy raisins that can barely squirt out a dry penny when Zombies became rom-com material. It’s not genre-subverting in any way, just the final nail in the commercial (at least) zombie-movie coffin.
Texas Chainsaw 3D: Just unbelievably stupid. A movie whose writers set the story 38 years after the original and had the lead character (who was a baby during the events of the original) be in the region of 21. Just plain bad. Throw into the mix that it has nothing to offer as a film, a horror film, or a Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel and you have a real piece of crap on your hands and no hand sanitiser in sight.
Sharknado: A movie that just isn’t fun, funny, or entertaining and certainly isn’t a b-movie. Asylum have convinced the world and even god himself that their (admittedly very funny) titles alone are worthy of your money and viewing time. The films themselves are simply terrible. It’s the ‘If found return to the pub’ t-shirt of movies.