Top 5 Asshole Santas (Redux, 2011 version)

Ho Ho Fucking Ho, Merry Shitmas (is what any of these uncouth vagabonds would likely say)

The jolly fat man and all round good samaritan, Santa Claus, has been the icon of goodwill (and Coca-Cola) for generations of children (and Coke junkies). Personally I love Santa and won’t have a bad word said about him. However to every yin there is an inevitable yang. So here’s a look at Deadly Movies’ Top 5 Santa A-holes, the type of guys who come in through your downstairs window rather than your chimney.
5. Billy Chapman (‘Silent Night, Deadly Night‘ 1984): “Punishment is necessary, punishment is good“, or so says Billy Chapman. Billy has some serious Santa-come-sex-come-religious issues, and the only way to realise his inner demons is to punish the naughty with an axe. In later years, keeping it in the family, Billy’s younger brother Ricky would take up the killer Santa mantle in parts 2 and 3 of the 5 movie franchise (In Part 3 Ricky is played by horror journeyman Bill Moseley!). Billy’s a bit of a petchulant drip (just look at him), but an axe-wielding A-hole none the less.
4. Robot Santa (‘Xmas Story‘, Futurama, season 2, 1999): Altogether now.., “Santa Claus is gunning you down“. The malfunctioning killer robot has very high standards when it comes to his naughty list. Like Billy and Ricky Chapman, if Robot Santa finds you guilty of being naughty it’s time for some murderising. Voiced by the awesome John Goodman, this Santa has done away with 80’s stabbing weapons in favour of an old fashioned Tommy Gun. As a robot he probably doesn’t have an asshole, but gun crime on Christmas Eve makes for a pretty big A-hole.
3. Santa (‘Santa’s Slay’ 2004): Wrestlers turned actors are not necessarily what you look for in your (good) horror films (See No Evil? Dog shit). However former WCW and WWE icon Bill Goldberg produces a surprisingly good comic turn in this equally surprising good horror-comedy. Props to this A-hole Santa for decapitating a statue of Jesus, breaking a carol singers back, leaving presents that blow children’s head’s clean off , and killing strippers with fire breathing molten balls. Plus the opening scene where Santa murderises none other than James Caan is genius. This Santa even has a back story which includes the sport of Hurling and a very close family tie to Satan. Love it. Giant A-hole.
2. Louis Whinthrope III (‘Trading Places’ 1983): Dan Aykroyd attempting to shove smoked salmon into his mouth through his dirty, fake Santa beard is one of my treasured movie memories. Poor Louise is apprehended gate-crashing a Christmas party whilst brandishing a gun and in possession of narcotics. His fantastically insane escape features him wildly wielding his pistol at the stale,crusty gentry and making off with a few choice cuts of the finest salmon. Absolutely wonderful stuff. Top notch A-hole Santa from the legend Aykroyd.
1. Wilie(‘Bad Santa’ 2003): The more you watch this film the darker it gets. Take away the fact that it truly is testicular bustingly funny, and your left with a story about an alcoholic anal-sex addict who robs malls on Christmas Eve, brutally assaults teenagers, and uses what must be a movie record amount of profanity in front of children. Billy Bob Thornton at his comedic deadpan peak, an absolutely amazing performance, and for Deadly Movies’ money the biggest Santa Asshole who’s piss covered lap you could ever have the pleasure over sitting on.

Peeter Jakobi

2010 entry: Santa (Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale 2010). In fact you can lump all the Santa’s from all the Rare Exports movies in here (feature and shorts) as they’re the brandy atop Deadly Movies grizzly Christmas Pudding. What a joy it is to see gnarled, bearded, Finnish Mr Burns type-geriatric-naked men walking around the tundras of Finland killing and maiming. Peeter Jakobi’s joyfully dark turn as Santa is a real treat, portraying the kind of old man your more likely to see at the school gates with a bag of candy than gracing the isles of Macy’s.

Saint Nicholas aka the badass Bishop

2011 entry: Saint Nicholas (Sint 2010): This may well be a 2010 movie in It’s native Holland, but for many of us we had to wait until 2011 for either theatrical (all be it limited) or DVD release. Many European cultures have dark versions of Santa Claus or St Nick which provide great fairytale backdrops for festive horror. In this Dutch offering St Nicolas, a disgraced murderous, raping, thieving Bishop (nice guy this Santa) comes back from the grave every December 5th, IF there’s a full moon (fucking specific this guy), to kill children. Nick and his horse may be a big blurry CGI mess at times, but killing kids while riding on rooftops during the Holidays is pretty badass, and definitely makes you a major asshole.
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2 thoughts on “Top 5 Asshole Santas (Redux, 2011 version)

  1. Melanie's Randomness says:

    hehehe this is an awesome post!! Love it!! Merry Christmas!!! =)

  2. Jenn says:

    Ell oh Ell on that pic of Dan Ackroyd. Seriously. Merry Christmas, dude!

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