Keep them coming back.., For God’s sake keep them coming back!
Horror and Sci-Fi has a rich tradition of finding tenuous ways of flogging a dead horse often to sitcom levels of hilarious consequences. Be it aliens, monsters, or serial killers, Hollywood producers demand sequels and the return of the creatures that put butts on seats. It always makes me smile that subsequent filmmakers seem to take great enjoyment in screwing over the next creative team by making it increasingly difficult to bring the monster back to life. For horror no ludicrous exposition is illogical enough. So join Deadly Movies and take a look at the most implausibly stupid way of reanimating your cash cow.
5. Change the Plan. Samara in ‘The Ring 2’ (2005): Here was the conundrum for the writing team behind ‘The Ring 2’: The producers want Naomi Watts and her kid back as well as the ghostly apparition of Samara. But Samara is a curse that’s been passed on, so how do we get the threesome back together? The answer? Junk the VHS gimmick altogether in favour good old possession. In grand old horror tradition you just change the rules to keep your key ingredients together. Character logic goes all out of the window here as Samara seems to possess the powers to cross over all kinds of plains.
4. Brain Transplant. Ricky ‘The Santa Claus Killer’ Caldwell in ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!’ (1989): After being gunned down by the cops in Part 2, Ricky has slipped into a coma and morphed from Eric Freeman into genre favourite Bill Moseley. During Ricky’s six year coma a wacky scientist has been hard at work giving him some sort of brain transplant that involves said brain being on display through a glass-bowl-cranium (complete with blinking lights). In true ‘Friday the 13th Part VII’ style Ricky is eventually returned from the grave by a mixture of psychic blind girl and Christmas fancy dress; a lethal combination that awakens his glass top, light flashing, brain.
3. New Heart: King Kong in ‘King Kong Lives’ (1986): After Kong hit the asphalt doing 500 mph he was apparently still alive! What a jib. This genuinely terrible sequel to the very ropey (but strangely enjoyable) 1976 ‘King Kong’ remake sees the mighty Kong sleeping off his swan dive in a ten year coma (comas were very big in the 80s). Linda Hamilton has an idea; Bring Kong back to life using a mechanical heart. There’s only one problem, Kong needs a Kong size blood transfusion (this is stretching even genre fan’s ability to turn a blind eye). Cue huge fat lady Kong and her saggy lady boobies who’s been lying low in the Borneo jungle somewhere. Needles to say her plasma works a treat and before you know Kong’s up and about performing the charleston. Poor Kong, not even allowed to die with dignity.
2. Lightning Strike: Jason Vorhees in ‘Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives’, (1986): Tommy Jarvis (himself on his third incarnation) is having a bad dream and, rather than some sedatives and a beer, decides to dig up the corpse of his night tormentor (Jason Voorhees) to stick him with an iron bar. This is something to do with sending Jason to Hell, a popular ‘Friday’ theme. The thing is Jason seems to be resting rather peacefully and Tommy is about to make one hell of a school boy error. Exposing Jason’s corpse to the open air Tommy shoves the Iron fence post into his chest only for it to be struck by lightning and kick-starting Jason’s foul rotting heart. A decent wink to Frankenstein? Yes. Hilarious? Certainly. Completely and utterly tenuous? Definitely!
1. Dog Piss: Freddy Krueger in ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master’ (1988): Can it get any more ludicrous, tenuous, illogical, bewildering, and outright ridiculous than the iconic Freddy Krueger being bought back to life by a dog taking a piss on his remains? Not just any piss mind you.., a flaming piss. And not just any dog.., but a dog named Jason (Freddy and Jason, it would seem, have been entwined for quite some time). Even for a Freddy dream sequence this is pushing plausability right down the river aboard the USS Bellevue. One thing you could never accuse the ‘Nightmare’ franchise of is lacking imagination.