Deadly Movies Top 5 Sleeping Bag Based Attacks
As any National Park warden, woodsman, or hiker will tell you, a camping trip into the woods is fraught with danger. Loveoutdoors.com for example offers this insightful, and cautionary, piece of constructive advice: ‘Always be prepared for the unexpected’. Wise words indeed. But if shitty weather, crying kids, poisonous plants, dangerous trails, and mosquito bites aren’t enough to worry about there’s always the constant threat of mutated creatures, bigfoot, man eating animals, redneck hillbillies, and mask wearing psychopaths to contend with. Now You’re always most vulnerable when you’re asleep, and the everyday sleeping bag can easily transform from from the womb of nighttime tranquility into an all encompassing death trap. Oh yes, in Deadly Movies opinion the humble sleeping bag is one of man’s deadliest inventions, and here’s the proof, our Top 5 sleeping bag based attacks:
5: Day of the Animals (1977): Slutty TV journalist lady is attacked by a wolf shortly after confessing her promiscuous college stories to woodsman extraordinaire Christopher George. The wolf, seemingly under the command of an orange eyed owl, sets about ripping into the helpless blonde as she struggles to defend herself in the confines of the her deathly sleeping bag.
4: Friday the 13th Part 7 (1988): Sadly a very familiar story. Your boyfriend is out collecting wood or doing pot when out of nowhere Jason Voorhees slices open you’re tent. Constricted by the fowl sleeping bag you can’t escape, it’s as good as an accomplice. Trapped inside the sleeping bag you’re then thrust heavily against a tree until dead. Next to the machete this tactic would become one of Jason’s lasting motifs.
3: Friday the 13th (remake 2009): Furthering his quest to hone the murder-by-sleeping bag technique into a fine art, Voorhees ditches the tree in favour of a good old fashioned burning. Dragging baby oil boobs out of her tent Voorhees strings up above a campfire, accomplishing a sort of brutal boil-in-the-bag rice effect.
2: Jason X (2001): The third, final, and definitely best sleeping bag kill by Voorhees. Space cadets (in both literal and derogatory senses) aboard a spacecraft that houses the now half machine Uber-Jason, attempt to distract the big fella with a couple of naked holographic camp counselors. In a genuinely hilarious scene the two girls proclaim ‘we love premarital sex’. Jason, already mighty pissed at being frozen on time, transported through space, and partly exploded, is enraged to say the least. Cue beating the girls to death inside their sleeping bags by banging their bodies against one-and-other. To round off the indignity he invokes F13 Part 7 by smashing one of the lucky ladies into…, Yo guessed it, a tree.
1: Prophecy (1979): Without doubt the best sleeping bag kill ever. A pouty teen has been dragged camping with her dad, only to find herself in mutated bear country. The kind of inside-out Grizzly happens upon these less than happy campers, waking them from their slumber. Of course what can’t you do when you’re in a sleeping bag? Run, that’s what. Mutant bear takes out his frustrations on his embarrassing skin condition by smacking the moody teen so hard she’s propelled through the air and onto a rock, whereupon both teen and sleeping bag actually explode into a plume of feathers! Totally bonkers.
So there you have it; Sleeping Bags, or as I like to call them, straight jackets from hell.