Freddy vs Jason vs Michael (article originally part of 31 days of Halloween 2009)
Here’s the hypothetical celebrity grudge match to end all grudge matches, a fatal three-way featuring slasher horror’s greatest icons, Krueger, Voorhees, and Myers. Now I know some will ask, ‘but what about Leatherface, Candyman, Pinhead, and Bates?’ But for me these three are the Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, and Rocky Marciano of our beloved genre. Why? Because they are the three most universally recognisable icons, everyone knows either the face, mask, film, or name, even if they’ve never seen them in action. Like it or lump it, these three are our horror ambassadors in the chamber of pop cult. So less justifying and more fighting; ladies and gentlemen let’s get it on.
First things first lets man-up, beer in hand, and take a look at some ESPN style stats:
Date Of Birth: Exact date unknown, thought to be 1941-1942
Height: 5’ 8”
Residence: Springwood, Ohio
Mask: None. Synonymous for his badly burned skin.
Weapon of Choice: Finger shears; four steel blades attached to a leather glove.
Nemesis: Nancy Thompson. She made it (actress and character) through 3 films.
Number of Films: 9 including the 2010 remake
Boxoffice take: $477,659,200 (up to and including ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ 2010)
Coroner’s Body Count: 34. On screen deaths only.
Date Of Birth: October 31st 1957
Height: Between 6’ and 6’ 9” (Halloween 2009)
Residence: Haddonfield Illinois
Mask: White Halloween Mask, famously a William Shatner mask painted white.
Weapon of Choice: Large kitchen knife
Nemesis: Dr Sam Loomis
Number of Films: 10
Box Office Total: $307,181,293 (US box office only)
Coroner’s Body Count: up to 100 (inc H2). This accounts for all on-screen deaths. Deaths in dreams, suggested deaths, indirect deaths, and deleted deaths do not count.
Date Of Birth: June 13th 1946
Height: Up to 6’ 5.5” (Freddy vs Jason)
Residence: Crystal Lake
Mask: Burlap Sack (Part 2), Hockey Mask (Part 3 onwards)
Weapon of Choice: Machete
Nemesis: Tommy Jarvis. Jason’s only foe to appear in three films (parts 4, 5, and 6)
Number of Films: 12
Box Office Total: $587,900,392 (US box office only up to 2009s Friday The 13th)
Coroner’s Body Count: 159. This accounts for all on-screen deaths. Deaths in dreams, suggested deaths, indirect deaths, and copycat murderer killings do not count.
Things are looking good for Voorhees, his kill count is off the charts, and Krueger is starting to look out of his depth in this company, so here’s where our first elimination comes. Freddy may be the king of the surreal dream world but in this testosterone filled fist fest he just falls short of Michael and Jason’s limb breaking, organ severing, savage brutality. My guess, a similar ending to FVJ, some sort of beheading. A footnote to this; Freddy will, of course, be returned to hell and no doubt return to his ‘children’ before too long.
So here we are, the decider, Michael vs Jason, and it’s going to get very bloody. Both enjoy a lot of stabbing; Jason’s Machete is bigger than Michael’s kitchen knife, but Michael is brutally quick with that potato peeler. Michael has survived being blown up, blinded, shot in the head, run over, and set alight. Jason has survived drowning, a machete to the head, electrocution, being blown-up, and even the rigours of outer space, in fact he’s technically a zombie anyway. Michael is undoubtedly the Einstein of the two, but you know Jason can bench-press a small country. All roads lead to a Voorhees victory…, or do they? The thing is you just can’t bet against Myers, he’s the original bad-boy bogeyman. The thing with zombies is they can be re-killed. In this fight Myers uses his brain, taking Voorhees’ best shots before dodging the killer blow, taking a sneaky side step and (using his zombie knowledge) takes Jason’s head clean off his shoulders with one fatal swing.
Ladies and gentlemen I give you your winner, the true icon of modern horror, the original bogeyman, the unsympathetic face of pure evil, Michael Myers. And if you don’t agree, don’t tell me, tell him.., and see where that gets you.